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Monday May 12,2008

Jewish life cycle events

by Terri Peckerman-Stein, Shelly Berlin Parrish

Jewish life cycle events are filled with tradition and ritual, lovingly passed on from generation to generation. The rituals surrounding a Jewish death allow families to honor their loved one, while also providing structure for healthy grieving and mourning.

Ritual commands that the dead be treated with respect and honor. The body is cleansed in a ritual washing (tahara), and is prepared for burial. The body is never left alone after death; someone remains with the deceased until burial. Jewish funerals are typically held within one or two days following death, although funerals cannot be performed on the Sabbath (Shabbat) or Jewish holidays. Tradition dictates that all are equal in death; Jewish funerals tend to be "no frills" and unadorned. Most Jews are buried in simple wood caskets (often pine), which allows all to be buried in an equal manner. Further, the wooden casket allows for the body's return to the earth (Genesis tells us, "For dust you are, and to dust you shall return"). Flowers are rarely displayed at Jewish funerals; rather, people are encouraged to contribute to charity to help memorialize the dead.

It is important here to understand the concept of "mitzvah". The literal meaning of "mitzvah" is commandment; however, "mitzvah" also means "a good deed". There are numerous mitzvot (plural of mitzvah) that Jews follow out of respect for the dead, as well as for the mourners. It is considered a mitzvah to comfort and support mourners, and to pay a condolence call to family members. Jewish tradition sets aside a seven-day mourning period (Shivah) to help the mourners during this significant time of grief. During Shiva, family and friends often provide food and meals, to lessen the burden of the mourners. Following Shivah, mourning continues, but takes different forms. A 30-day mourning period (Sheloshim) is recognized as a time when mourners must continue their daily life activities, while still engaging in mourning practices. The dead continue to be honored in daily prayer (Kaddish), and it is a mitzvah to recite the Kaddish on the anniversary of the deceased each year.

Jewish ritual encourages friends and family of the deceased to form a tapestry of support and caring. In a society where death is often a hushed topic, the traditions provide us with a rich set of coping mechanisms. The rituals serve to encourage grief, validate loss, and provide us with a structure to help us continue with daily life.

In my book, "Sharing Grandma's Gift", a Wedding Ring Quilt is passed on to a young child in a ritual of remembrance. The quilt remains an earthly reminder of the warmth and comfort that the child's grandma leaves behind, and that precious memories continue to keep our loved ones bound in our hearts forever. It can be inferred that a new ritual is born from this bond between the generations. Likewise, Jewish ritual helps us to always remember the deceased, and honor their memory.

Rituals, be they secular or parochial, help us to deal with the reality of death, while helping us in a healthy adjustment to our life amidst loss.

SPECIAL NOTE: Terri Peckerman-Stein and Shelley Berlin Parrish are authors of the book "Sharing Grandma's Gift." Proceeds from book sales are donated to The Make-A-Wish Foundation.