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Monday May 12,2008

Holding my own....

by Blessed

It was my senior year. I was innocent to real pain. I had dreams and a future to look forward to. At this time I was looking forward to spring and graduation from high school. Instead I met the death of my only older sister in a tragic car acccident she celebrated her 21st birthday one week prior.

Three months later my older brother who was 20 passed away. I was only 16. I lost touch with my dreams and lived on the edge. Traveling and partying like most young people do only I was pretending to be a normal teenager. I carried this behaivor through my twenties. I blocked out the pain. Accepted the deaths. So I thought. My journey was horrid. I checked out. Made irresponsible decisions. My life passed me by. I had no goals. Every thing was a party a way to numb the pain.

January 2000 my father passed away from a sudden illness. I was very close to daddy. My heart felt such pain. A real sad pain. I started to run again. For some reason I thought life would be ok but his death took a major toll on my mental state of mind. I did what I did best. I booked a trip some where where the grass was greener. Where I could pretend life was perfect. No one would know my pain. I wanted to hold on to the innocence I once felt.

I allowed my self to go into debt so I could get through a day some where far away from where I was known. A habit I'm still paying for. I was coming to terms with my sister's and brother's death. Then it hit me again -- one month before my 30th birthday daddy passed.

The following year death hit again. My dear grandmother was taken from me. I was so very close to her and so blessed with her presence in my life. I was so angry for having known these people and cared so deeply for them to have them leave me.

I have been very sad. Trying to understand all this is beyond me. I have surrendered my pain as of today. I am 33 now and have been so confused as to why I have checked out of my life that I have finally picked up a phone and called a therapist. I'm very sad and so lost in this world. I keep thinking of the dead and I hurt and I'm pissed. I want to accept that im no longer the same girl who lived life so free of pain so long ago. This is a part of my therapy.....

I will let you know my progress. Thanks for listening.

Blessed is a member of Beyond Indigo.