Home Healing from Loss Losing A Parent fatherGirlfriend retreating in her grief
by Paul V. Johnson
Dear Paul:
My girlfriend's father died recently in an accident. This past month has been a trying time for both of us. My girlfriend has been really emotional. She goes from really happy to closed and angry. I understand that everybody grieves differently; yet the more I try to console her, the more distant she becomes. Every little thing I do or say seems to be getting on her nerves. I know she cares for me deeply, but now she's saying that things are changing between us.
I know that since this accident, I've grown ever closer to her. She says she's afraid to lose me, but then she seems to be slipping away from me. I don't want to lose her. I don't know what I'd do without her. I just feel so confused right now. She has said so many sweet and thoughtful things about me to her family, friends, and also to me. Now it seems as though she doesn't want to feel that way about me any longer. I realize that this change in her attitude toward me has probably been brought about because she doesn't want to feel the pain of losing someone that close again, physically as well as emotionally.
I don't know what to do. I've exhausted all ways I know of trying to help her. I'm trying not to smother her, yet I can't go on ignoring the situation. I'm just so afraid that she'll close herself off and it'll drive us apart. How could she feel that way about me earlier when now it feels as though were falling apart in our relationship? I don't understand it.
Could you please help me to help her? I'm sorry I've taken up a lot of your time, but at this point I feel desperate. I don't know what to do.
Sincerely,
An inquirer
Dear Inquirer:
I am sorry to read about your girlfriend's father's death, as well as learn about the strain that this difficult event has brought to your relationship. As you already know, you are in a very difficult position right now, one that has you wondering what you should do, and one that has you thinking that no matter what you do it may be the wrong thing.
My best advice at this time is for you to remain patient and try not to force anything on her. You are correct in thinking that you don't want to "smother her"; giving her space right now is very important. The best case scenario would be for you to give her the space she needs but at the same time convey to her that whenever she feels like talking you are there for her. At least for the next few weeks, let her call the shots and take the lead.
It is understandable that she is having difficulty dealing with both of these important relationship issues right now--the ending of her important relationship with her Dad and the developing of her important relationship withyou. Because they are both so important, it is as though she can't work on both of them simultaneously; so it is her relationship with you that has to wait, because it is the one that has a future.
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