Home Healing from Loss Losing Friends othersMy girlfriend's ex died
by Paul V. Johnson
Dear Paul:
I am seeking advice on how to help my girlfriend cope with the very recent loss of one of her earlier boyfriends. I have a lack of experience dealing with death, and other issues complicate both of our feelings. It's hard for me to find the right things to say. She seems to continue to want my support, even know she is currently 500 miles away.
At the time of the car accident (two weeks ago) that resulted in the death of her earlier boyfriend, I was in another country. I didn't know the person, but I knew my girlfriend and he had been in love at one time. Now she is being given many responsibilities by the parents, in connection with the funeral proceedings. In addition, she is learning that he was still very much in love with her and also very much set on their eventual marriage.
She tells me that she had no idea how much she loved him until now. I want to be a good friend, but it's hard for me to stop thinking that perhaps I've lost her. We talk every day now and e-mail constantly, I find it hard for me always to hold my tongue. Shortly, she will be back at her home, and I can't imagine what to expect. We've been practically living together for four months. I apologize for this lengthy letter; there is so much more to the story. I hope someone can offer advice or even suggest a direction to turn.
Sincerely,
An inquirer
Dear Inquirer,
I am sorry to read about the difficult situation in which you find yourself. I believe, however, that you can certainly work through this time and possibly even restore the relationship you had with your friend prior to her friend's death.
My first suggestion is probably not one that you are going to want to hear, but I will say it anyway. As difficult as it may seem right now, you need to continue to be patient and allow your girlfriend to work through this period on her own schedule. And remember, you cannot make her do anything, so it may be wisest to continue being available to her and allow her to work through her grief.
You didn't mention it in your e-mail, but it would be helpful to know under what conditions she ended her relationship with this friend and began the relationship with you. Was it her idea that their relationship end? Was it his? (From what you wrote it appeared he continued to have strong feelings for her.)
It may be helpful for you to know that the circumstances of his death can explain some of your friend's current behavior. The fact that it was an unexpected death impacts individuals in ways that are different than if the death was expected. In such situations people are more unprepared for the eventual outcome and sometimes say things that may not be totally true. The fact that he has died and that she can never see him again may be why she "had no idea how much she loved him until now." It wasn't until he died that she had these thoughts on how much she still loved him.
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