Thank you for your letter. It is comforting to know the feelings I have are normal. My house is chaos right now. People coming over to say good byes. My sister and I feel like we are riding a roller coaster. When we are caring for my Mom, we are strong and able to meet her comfort needs. Then when care is complete, we lie down next to her and cry. We could be laughing together as we sit with her and talk about our childhood or just holding each other's hands and crying.

In many ways I feel privileged to experience this transition from earth to heaven. I am a nurse and I have seen death before, but it is so different when you have great love for the dying person. I remember how angry I was at my Mom when she stopped eating. I wanted to keep her going. I even yelled at her a few times because I was so angry she was giving up. She was sad and I felt so bad.

Finally the hospice nurse told me that I was already grieving. I could hardly believe it. How could I grieve before the loss? I thought about it for days and then realized it was I who could not let go. I sat with her and was sorry for my behavior. I sobbed when I told her how much I loved her and that I was having such a hard time letting her go. She said she was not angry or hurt by me. She told me not to cry because she was going to a much better place. I kissed her and told her how much I would miss her. I asked her who would listen to all my problems. (She was a great listener.) She told me she would always hear me. I miss her already and she is not even gone. Things have a strange way of working out. One month before her diagnosis I asked her to come live with me and my family. She was not able to care for her home any longer. The day I asked her she was so happy. She loves her grandchildren like they were her own children. She was so happy to live with them. I took her out some times. We once went to the mall with her in her wheelchair. At first she seemed uncomfortable but before long we were shopping like old times.

My sister said she was afraid that the memories of her being sick would be all she remembers. I told her the bad memories will fade and the good will last. I hold on to that hope.

I am Christian. I was raised Baptist. I believe in the after life. I believe that your soul leaves your body, in awareness, and moves on to a better existence--the existence we call heaven. I believe in my heart that when you die you have knowledge of your loved ones you left behind.