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Tuesday May 13,2008

My Hands Are Tied

Continued

You are just approaching the year anniversary, and your grief will have been no less because you knew her only on line. Each significant anniversary of that first year is felt intensely: birthdays, special events and the hardest is the one year anniversary. It also sounds as if part of your difficulty is that her family seemingly valued her so little. A burial in April 2000 seems a long time to wait. I wonder if that isn't reopening the grief also.

There is nothing abnormal about your mourning her loss and your grief reaction. You had a close connection, and now you are deeply feeling the result of that loss. In olden times people had the wisdom to wear black for a year after someone died. They knew what we've forgotten: that it takes a minimum of a year and more like two to move through the stages of the grieving process.

I don't know your spiritual beliefs about what happens after death. If you'd like to write me back and share them, I'd be happy to talk a little more about this. But many people view death as a transition to a different existence, not finality. And one therapeutic technique is to write to the person who has died. Sometimes this will be a one time letter to say what was left unsaid; sometimes it is a poem or statement of tribute to the person, with the item placed for others to read such making a memorial page. Whatever you choose, I do have a suggestion for you. Is there a place that you know she liked very much or think she would like? Remember only her body is in the grave--not her soul or her spirit. If there is some place you know she'd like, there is no reason you can't designate that as the place of tribute to her. You can honor her with flowers there, or a bush in your yard, or plant a tree in honor of her. She was loved and she touched others' lives.

That's the essence of who she was and you were aware of that part of her. That her family wasn't, is their ignorance. But she lives on in others' memory. And while this is only my personal belief, there will be a time for meeting personally--just not now.

You are coming upon one of the hardest parts: the one year anniversary. It's okay to grieve. And it's okay to honor her in your own personal way. There are many people who would believe her soul would know that.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss and so glad she was so loved and cared about by others.

Blessings,

Deb

Debbie Sims is a Certified Clinical Nurse Specialist in Adult Psychiatric Nursing, has a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She maintains a private practice in counseling but her devotion is to her position as Editor for Beyond Indigo an Internet web site for those who are grieving.