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Friday July 30,2010

Lost Three Brothers

by Deb Sims, MS,RNCS,LCSW

Dear Deb:

My brother died last year. He was the third one I have lost and I'm running out of answers. Maybe you can help.

Dear Reader:

I am so sorry about the loss of your brother. I wish I had answers to give you, but I don't know why some families are hit so hard and others aren't. You don't explain the circumstances, but whatever they are, it must be hard for you. All the volunteers here have experienced a loss of some kind, so what I can say is that this is a safe place to talk about what you're feeling. When several family members die, we begin to ask questions like why is God letting this happen and why not me, why them. You didn't quite clarify what your question was. I invite you to please share more if you are comfortable, so I know a little more about what I'm responding to.

There are two issues that immediately come to mind, but I'm not sure yet whether they are what you are asking. First, regarding God, I don't see him as making bad things happen to us--but rather allowing us free choice. This means that sometimes we are the victim of our own choices, and sometimes we suffer because of others' choices. Also, our physical body has a finite limit. What we trust and hope is that our Soul will continue. God's role, then, is to put people in our life to be able to help us cope with the things that happen. In other words, he doesn't cause it, but he helps us through, kind of giving us our own angels to help. Those angels may be special people that reach out when we need them.

Second, when others die and we are left, there is an emotional crisis that we go through called, "survivors guilt." We literally feel guilty that it wasn't us. That's a normal feeling. Grief is also reopened every time we experience another loss. My guess is that all these things may be going on with you.

Please, can you E-mail back and share a little more so that I can know exactly to what I am responding? These are just general answers, but the fact that I've responded in this way tells you how common the feelings are and that they are a normal but painful part of the grieving process.

You may also want to check out our message board and articles. You may find people with similar feelings, and the articles talk about the grieving process. Also, we send out a newsletter regularly to those who would like it. We'd like to be able to help with the pain you are experiencing.

Please know we are here. Thank you for asking such a relevant and important question. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Blessings,

Deb

Debbie Sims is a Certified Clinical Nurse Specialist in Adult Psychiatric Nursing, has a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She maintains a private practice in counseling but her devotion is to her position as Editor for Beyond Indigo an Internet web site for those who are grieving.