Home Healing from Loss Funeral Customs ettiquetteWhen Someone Takes It Out On You
by Deb Sims, MS,RNCS,LCSW
Dear Deb:
On Feb. 6, my husband received e-mail from his mother that HER mother-in-law passed away. Since she's on her second husband, the deceased is actually my husband's "step"-grandmother (if there even is such a thing)! She was 95, lived a good, long life, and her passing was really a blessing.
Since then, we've been trying to decide whether to e-mail our condolences, send a card, or both.
Today, we received another e-mail from my mother-in-law. The subject line was "I'm angry!" It was also sent to my husband's other two siblings. She then proceeded to chastise us ALL (You could just feel the anger in her words) for not yet having sent any notification of sympathy, nor even acknowledgment of her e-mail regarding her mother-in-law's death. It's only been 6 days! It's not like we were purposely ignoring the death ... we just hadn't gotten around to responding to it yet!
Do you think she was justified in sending such a scathing note??
Thanks for your help.
Dear Reader:
"Justified" is hard to evaluate. Obviously, she felt she was. Was she? People react differently to grief. If she's normally not like this, I'd write it off as a reaction to her grief or her current husband's grief. It's only been a short time and emotions run high during a time like this. Death makes us think of our sadness at a loss, but it also makes us think of our own death, our fears regarding death and the unknown, or losing someone else close. If this is not a normal response for her, I'd just acknowledge their loss and ignore the anger.
If, however, this is your mother-in-law's pattern, then you may wish to respond differently. Although I'd still suggest that right now, she's too emotional to probably hear any confrontation.
It's difficult for all of you because her response had to trigger defensiveness in everyone involved. If you can distance yourself from her emotionalness, you may be able to see a path of response that de-escalates this situation, satisfies her need for acknowledgment, yet doesn't make you feel that you've done wrong.
Thank you for bringing up a question that is probably relevant to others: how to respond to someone who is grieving but takes their anger out on you.
Deb
Debbie Sims is a Certified Clinical Nurse Specialist in Adult Psychiatric Nursing, has a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She maintains a private practice in counseling but her devotion is to her position as Editor for Beyond Indigo an Internet web site for those who are grieving.
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