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Friday May 9,2008

How do you tell a child their sibling is dying?

by Paul V. Johnson

Dear Paul,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

My thoughts are with you during this very difficult time as you are facing the imminent death of your child and important member of your family. You ask explicitly about preparing your 6-year-old for the death of his sister, but implicitly you are asking for help for yourself as well.

You're probably not going to like the first part of my answer to your question, but let me explain it a little before you dismiss it. The answer to your question is that no one can adequately prepare someone else or themselves for the death of a loved family member. The reason this is so is that your daughter is such a special person to you, your son, and any other family members that no amount of preparation could make her absence from your family anything but very difficult.

Though you don't state it directly, it appears that your daughter has been ill for a period of time, i.e., "she will not get over being sick this time." If this is, in fact, the case, I hope that you have been involving your son in the "ups and downs" of your daughter's illness for at least some period of time. Hopefully family conversations have touched on the subject of death at least in some respects. If this has been the case, these things have been "preparing" your son in a way that maybe more direct methods could not.

Among the most helpful things you can do for your son is to continue to openly express your love for his sister and for him. He is still young enough that physical touch is still very important, so I would encourage you to hold and hug him often. I don't know the circumstances of your daughter's illness or the amount of care or care-related activities you are responsible for, but if you have the necessary time and energy I would encourage you to give your son some regular quality time when just you and he are involved in doing something together. That will give him some stability in the midst of all the distractions caused by his sister's illness.

True to motherly form, you are expressing concern for your son even before expressing concern for yourself. Remember to do the things that bring you strength and courage during this difficult time even if it may mean spending less time with your son from time to time. In the long run, a Mom who has taken the time and effort to help meet some of her own needs will be better equipped to be supportive of her children.

My very best wishes are with you.

Paul

Paul V. Johnson, MA, is a consultant and trainer for business, industry, and educational institutions on issues related to loss and grief. He was formerly an Associate Professor of Sociology at Bethel College(MN) and Director of Aftercare Services for the Bradshaw Funeral Homes in the Twin Cities area. He has made presentations at the national conferences of major professional caregiving associations and is a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling.