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Friday May 9,2008

Talking with Angel: About Illness, Death and Survival

by Evelyn Elsaesser-Valarino

I didn't get permission to see James until three days later. It's true that he isn't the same any more. His face is calm, his eyes are shining. He's very pale and also very weak. I feel afraid of seeing him so ill, and yet an incredible power shines out of him, strong and new. It seems to reveal itself through his eyes. James has never been so radiant and full of comfort. Just seeing him I feel better.

I ask him:

"What happened? It seems you nearly died?"

James answers with a big smile:

"I didn't nearly die, I did die! I was dead, Dr Tomala told me. I was in cardiac arrest for several minutes. I feel angry with him for having brought me round. I don't think I'll ever forgive him."

"Tell me about it," I say, while sitting on his bed.

"You'll never believe me, I'd rather not say anything at all ..."

"I think I'll understand," I reassure him with a smile. "Thanks to Angel, I think I'll understand."

"Who's Angel?"

"It's my angel, well an angel, it's my doll who is called Angel. Anyway, tell me!"

***

As soon as the door closes, I quickly immerse myself in reading James's letter which consists of many sheets of paper.

I'm starting to feel really very ill. It is about 11 pm and the hospital is in silence. I'm aware that my body is violently rejecting the bone marrow transplant. They have increased the dose of the anti-rejection medication, but in spite of that, I feel worse and worse, my body aches, I feel sick and I have a very bad headache. I feel my desire to live and my energy escape slowly. However I tell myself that if I give up, I shall die. I know that I must struggle to stay alive. To fight in my head, I mean, still to have the desire to live, but I realize that I no longer have the strength to do it. What's the good, I ask myself, it's finished. I'm aware that if I close my eyes, I shall never open them again. And I close them deliberately. I would have liked my parents to be there to be able to hug them for the last time, but they left me at about nine o'clock, and so I prepare myself to die alone.