Welcome Guest
Join here
Members Log-In
Privacy Policy

Friday July 30,2010

I Am Making It

by Leandra Walker

"It seems like yesterday, it seems like forever. How could he be gone a year and I'm still here? I feel like I'm back to square one!" That was my journal entry for 9/29/02.

Actually, it started for me around the 7th of the month. I woke up that morning feeling both depressed and confused. What triggered it, I had no clue, at first. But in the shower, I remembered that on that date a year ago, John was taken by ambulance to the hospital, never to return.

I didn't know I had to relive the entire experience.

That night, the 9/11 specials started and continued through the week. I remembered how it felt, watching that horrific event. I knew I was on the eve of my own personal tragedy then, but for the first few days, my pain was for the country.

This year, I found myself sinking lower and lower as the days went on. I began recollecting his death as if it was happening now. The effects of shock returned to me. I couldn't find my head with both hands some days. I made more on-the-job mistakes in two weeks than I had in the previous six months. I backed the car into a concrete wall. Several times, I would be driving and not know where I was or how I got there. Twice, I passed my destination or drove the wrong direction, making myself very late.

I also stopped sleeping and started pacing at night. And worst of all, I no longer felt my husband's presence in my life. I had always felt loved, even in my deepest grief, but it just wasn't there anymore.

My counselor assures me this is normal. Well, normal sucks. I haven't cried into my keyboard in ages, but I sure did last month! My healer tells me that depression blocks meditation or intuition, which is why I feel disconnected from the spiritual. He says this is natural. Well, natural sucks, too!

I have a dear friend who lost her husband three days before me. Just two days after her first anniversary, her father prefaced his remarks with, "I wouldn't say this to you until after a year had passed, but...." and here came all the things he thinks she should be doing to get on with her life.

We don't get over it, we don't get on with it. It takes time to heal. Please remember this when loved ones start putting on the pressure. I'm sorry, but the one-year mark isn't a finish line.

My mother-in-law tells me the second year was harder for her. One of my widowed friends is already remarried at 9 months. We're all different. We all do the best we can to deal with the grief and build new lives.

On the date of John's death this year, I made plans with two very dear friends to spend the day together.