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Sunday May 11,2008

A Deep Knowing

by Susie McEachern

He told me it was OK to go. He not only told me to go, he wanted me to go. A vacation to my favorite place on earth, Maui, the place that I feel the most at home, the most at peace, the most joyous and free. I had planned this vacation for months, prior to his unyielding decline in his health. He said, "Honey, I want you to go, I will be walking the golf course this summer, you'll see." And so, against my better judgment, I yielded to his urging and went, but not without apprehension that the hug by the garage door would be our last. I remember we held onto each other longer than usual, ignoring the knowing that it would be our last, real, physical connection.

He knew that I knew; I know that he did. I knew he was about to embark on a journey to his next home, his home away from me, my brothers, and his sweet wife of five years, and his family that adopted him, when he married her. I believe that he was ready to make the transition from this world to the next. The problem was and is that while he may have been ready, I wasn't.

That scene by the garage door, of the hug without end, is still with me, haunting me. I went on my trip, and enjoyed the beauty and peace that enfolds me in my island paradise. But when I found out that he was in a coma, it was more than I could bear. I was more than eight hours away. The anxiety was torture. I was sick. By the time my plane touched down, he had already taken flight to his new home. It was such a terrible dream, a waking nightmare, that my stomach was knotted in pain and ached to the point of doubling me over. I could barely walk. No more would I feel his arms wrap around me. No more would we sit on the porch swing with his hand holding mine as he shared his thoughts about life. His earthly journey was over. He was on his way to new heavenly experiences, and I was left behind with my pain.

Losing a loved one - whether it be a sibling, child, spouse, friend, lover, or parent is tragic - no doubt about it. How we deal with the resulting loss and pain is really the question. It's not just that our loved one's physical presence is no longer; it's deeper than that. I felt as if I had fallen off the edge of a cliff into a dark abyss with no net and no arms to catch me. I could not imagine how I would go on. How could he just leave me behind? He was my Dad, who would never abandon me, never leave me. I was so certain of it. And now my certainty was shattered.