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Friday July 30,2010

The End of the School Year

by Jim Balthazor

If you are like I am, the end of the school year brings some extra heartbreak. People just can't understand the way people who have lost a child feel when it comes to wondering what could be going on now if only my child were alive. Would they be attending prom, graduating, going on that spring fling, getting ready to go to college? The wondering is endless.

The end of a school year can be especially hard for those that have lost younger children. They watch others kids that are the same age as their child would have been and all those feelings flood through. It is natural. Everyone that has lost a child says the same thing. I always look at a child the age my child should be and wonder.

Some people feel this is not right, that we shouldn't have these feelings, but unfortunately I just don't see where there is any way around them. It would be like telling a great pro baseball player that had suffered an injury that they couldn't play again and when baseball season rolls around they shouldn't let it bother them. They should just forget, never think about it. We all know that probably doesn't happen.

I will always wonder what life would be like if Kirk were alive. What would he be doing? Would he be in college? Would he have a girl friend? Would he be getting married? Would he have a job he enjoyed? Would he have children? I guess I am being selfish, but I think I have earned the right to feel how I want.

I just don't show these feelings to many people, as a matter a fact only my wife and daughter know. They feel the same way. I know that my mother and father probably feel this way also, but it isn't something that many others want to share. That is okay. As long as I have people that will listen I am fine. I am not crazy or obsessed, just feeling the way any parent feels when they lose a child they love so very much.

Now I want to share a very special email with you.

Dear Jim,

A few months ago you wrote about a candle lighting ceremony that you performed for your son Kirk. After I read it, I called my sister, who lost her 18 year old son Drew to suicide one year ago this month. Myself and some of her other close friends had all been wondering how to approach Jo (Drew's mom) about Drew's upcoming birthday and the anniversary of his passing. You see, even we close friends and relatives are sometimes afraid to bring up birthdays, etc. Then I remembered what you wrote about promising to say Kirks name frequently, and that gave me the courage to call my sister and suggest that we hold a birthday party for Drew. I reminded her that his day of birth was still a good day, and that myself and some of her friends would like to honor Drew this way.