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Monday March 22,2010

Why Me?

by Ursula Hull

Are you like everyone else who thinks, "death is for old people," or "death just happens. Who cares? It can't happen to me!" When, in fact, death doesn't just happen to other people, in the movies, or on the news, it can and does happen to everyone?

It's when death hits close to home that the meaning of life and death become blurred and unfocused. This is when we realize we are totally unprepared to face the reality, and the finality of death.

Tina, who lost her father to sudden death, explains, "After my dad died, I couldn't read for two weeks. Oh, I could see the words clearly enough, but nothing was sinking in. I couldn't comprehend anything." This type of response is all too frequent, and although we each deal with the shock of death differently, there is usually some type of physical reaction that goes along with it. Some people experience sleeplessness, stomach or headaches, or just plain fatigue. Any physical change that occurs during this initial time of shock is fairly normal and, most likely associated with the situation.

Although we experience losses throughout our lifetime, none are as significant as the loss we suffer due to the death of a loved one. We can pretty much adjust to moving away from our friends, losing a valued possession, even to the changes brought about through divorce, but it is difficult to adjust to life without that someone special who can never be replaced.

The loss of a relative or close friend is the hardest loss to bear, and the changes we suffer physically and emotionally must run their course. Nothing will take away the pain, but it may be helpful to know what types of changes to expect that these changes occur for most people, and that we are not alone in the grieving process. One of the biggest problems about losing someone and being the griever is the reaction of other people around us. Most people do not know what to say or how to act around a grieving person, his keeps them from saying, or doing, something that could be helpful.

Loss alters our lives and will probably change us forever. There may be people who stay out of reach, but this is not the time to be concerned about them. This is the time to be near those who understand us and will allow us to express our feelings. Most often these are people who have experienced significant loss of their own.

It is important to understand that people grieve differently and some people cannot express their grief at all. It is not uncommon for those who suppress grief to have more significant physical symptoms. If you have difficulty expressing your grief in words, that's okay. If you cannot cry, or can't stop crying, that's okay, too. At times like these, you may wish to turn to your faith, a good friend, or a trusted family member to share your concern. You may wish to write down your feelings rather than discuss them, or you may wish to seek professional help through a counselor or a grief support group.