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Friday July 30,2010

Eulogies Honor and Heal

Continued

Tips for Delivering A Eulogy

A eulogy may be the most difficult speech you ever deliver, but it may also be the most rewarding. Calm yourself by realizing that people are not going to judge you. They will be very supportive. No matter what happens, it will be okay. If you need to cry in the middle of your speech, everyone will understand. Take a moment to compose yourself, then continue. Don't be embarrassed. Remember that giving a eulogy is a noble gesture that people will appreciate, admire, and remember.

If you can, make the eulogy easy to read. On a computer, print out the eulogy in a large type size. If you are using a typewriter, put extra carriage returns between the lines. If you are writing by hand, print the final version in large letters and give the words room to breathe by writing on every second or third line.

Before the memorial service, consider getting a cup of water. Keep it with you during the service. When you go to the podium, take the water in case you need it. Sipping water before you start-and during the speech, if needed-will help relax you.

Before delivering the eulogy, breathe deeply and remind yourself that loving friends and family surround you. They are with you 100 percent. If you would find it easier, read the eulogy without looking up to make eye contact with the audience. Take your time. Do the best you can. Just be yourself.

Writing As Therapy

Writing in general-a eulogy, a letter, a journal-presents a valuable opportunity to discover a new therapeutic tool to help you deal with grief, sadness, ambivalence, confusion or other needs for change. On some level, you already know how therapeutic writing can be. At one time you may have written an angry letter and not mailed it, but felt better for having written it. In the case of a eulogy, writing brings up memories, rekindles feelings, and acts as a catalyst. It has been said, "The only way out is through." Writing helps you revisit emotions that are important to the healing process, so get your feelings on paper. You do not have to be grieving to use writing as a tool to help you gain clarity on an issue or to motivate yourself to make changes in your life.

There are many ways to use writing to deal with your loss. Some people keep journals or diaries; others write letters. Some people send e-mail to friends; others write poems or stories. There is no right answer. Experiment. Do what works for you.

Julia Cameron, in her book, The Artist's Way, tells aspiring artists to set aside time each morning to write. She calls it, "morning papers." You can call it, "mourning papers." Every morning take the time to write three pages of thoughts and feelings. Write longhand rather than using a typewriter or computer because there is a better connection between the hand and the heart. While writing, don't concern yourself with spelling, grammar, punctuation, being redundant, or making sense. Write half-baked ideas, thoughts, or feelings if you want. The goal is not to write something good or something that will ever be read again. The goal is to write simply for the sake of getting it out of your system.

Mourning papers can cover anything-complaints, dreams, frustrations, feelings, and so on. Nothing is too trivial. Complain about the barking dog next door. Write about your life's dreams or sorrows. Create a grocery list. Brainstorm goals. Unburden yourself of pain, sorrow, fears, and regrets. You can think long-term and create a better life for yourself or you can work on immediate needs. The only rule is there are no rules. Let whatever is on your mind flow onto the paper.

This is a very powerful exercise during which you will make several discoveries:

• The process is enjoyable.

• Your thoughts will flow quickly and the important ones will be pushed to the surface with great force.

• It is easy to fill up three pages.

• You might have to stop to cry, especially if you are mourning or in pain.

• The process frees you of petty complaints and obsessions.

• You will look forward to these morning writing sessions.

Bringing up the pain, although unpleasant, is part of working through it. I'm not a therapist, but from experience I know that repressing feelings is counter-productive. Shakespeare once wrote, "Tears water our growth." The power of writing is undeniable and there is no better time than now to take advantage of it.

Writing and delivering a eulogy is a noble gesture that is worthy of thought and effort. It is an opportunity to make a contribution to a memorial service-a contribution that you, your friends and family will long remember. Think of a eulogy as a gift to yourself and others. Embrace the opportunity to brighten an otherwise dark time.

Garry Schaeffer is the author and publisher of A Labor Of Love: How To Write A Eulogy. This 96-page book includes: clear steps for writing a eulogy, poems for memorial services and sample eulogies of famous people such as Gandhi, JFK, Martin Luther King, Jr., Jackie O., and Princess Diana. The book is available in paperback, online version or e-mail. E-mail: gms@san.rr.com or log on to www.eulogybook.net.