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Monday March 15,2010

Eulogies Honor and Heal

by Garry Schaeffer

Princess Diana had the most publicized funeral in history. It was broadcast worldwide. The most powerful part was the eloquent and moving eulogy delivered by her brother, Charles Spencer. At one point he said, "I don't think she ever understood why there appeared to be a permanent quest on (the media's) behalf to bring her down. Of all the ironies about Diana, perhaps the greatest is that a girl given the name of the ancient goddess of hunting was, in the end, the most hunted person of the modern age."

Great eulogies make great funerals. Of course, it's absurd to think of a funeral as great, but some are memorable. Eulogies can be remarkable, moving experiences for speakers and audience members.

You might assume eulogies are as common as flowers at memorial services. Unfortunately, this is not so. Not all families are able to find someone who is willing and able to write and deliver a eulogy. Some funerals go without; others rely on clergy who may not have known the deceased. The results can be disappointing.

None of us likes to contemplate the loss of a loved one or the call to duty to deliver a eulogy. Reading this article now, however, you will gain a brighter perspective on this task and discover the benefits of the writing process as a healing tool

What A Eulogy Should Accomplish

There are two common misconceptions about the purpose of a eulogy. Some people think 1) it should be an objective summation of the person's life; or 2) the eulogy should speak for everyone who is present at the memorial service. These are unrealistic assumptions.

A eulogy is much simpler. Of course, it can include information about the person's life, but primarily it should express the feelings and experiences of the person giving the eulogy vis-୶is the loved one. The most touching and meaningful eulogies are subjective and written from the heart. A eulogy does not have to be perfect. The people will appreciate whatever you write and deliver in attendance. If you are inclined to be a perfectionist, lower your expectations and just do what you can, given the short time frame for preparation and your fragile emotional state.

When you set out to write a eulogy, realize the burden does not have to be yours alone. Ask friends and relatives for their recollections and stories. In a eulogy, it is perfectly acceptable to say, for example, "I was talking to Uncle Lenny about Ron. He reminded me of the time Ron came to Thanksgiving dinner with half of his face clean-shaven and the other half fully-bearded. It was Ron's unique way of showing he had mixed feelings about shaving off his beard."

Be honest. For most people, there are a lot of positive qualities to talk about. Once in a while, however, a eulogy has to be given for someone with mostly negative traits. If that is the case, omission is the solution. A eulogy is not a confession. No one will find fault if you leave out negative details. Talk about positive qualities and, if you must mention the negative, try to put a compassionate spin on it. For example, "She struggled with her demons and they sometimes got the best of her."