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Friday July 30,2010

Caregiving: Longterm care & self-care.

by Susie Mantell www.relaxintuit.com

It is a delicate balance: organizing a life in such a way as to sleep enough, work enough, connect with others enough, and still enjoy time alone for the things we love or need to do. In my work facilitating stress-reduction, I meet people coping with health issues, work-related stress, caring for loved ones, sleep deprivation and too little time for oneself. "Same song / different dance." When the following letter arrived from a listener of my relaxation audio, "Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace," it touched me deeply, as it likely will you. I hope there will be both comfort and practical help here for anyone reading this.

Baby-boomers across the country are finding themselves in what's been called "The Sandwich Generation," caring for aging parents, still parenting children, and beginning to explore their own aging, health issues and retirement plans.While exciting and aggressive research is in progress to help us to age healthily, it will be a challenging decade or two, and we will need to plan, and act accordingly, to be the healthiest, happiest people we can, no matter the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

Q: Dear Susie, For 3 years I have visited my beloved father 3-4 times each week as Alzheimers slowly steals him from us, memory by memory. My mother, my wife, siblings and I are all under tremendous stress. Some days Dad doesn't know us; then every so often there is a light of recognition that both warms my heart... and breaks it. My mother is a brave woman, but deeply depressed. I am torn between my heartfelt wish to meet both my parents' needs, to be there for my wife and our children...and fear of losing not only my parents, but my own zest for life, interests, even my friends. How can I help my father to find whatever peace and pleasure he can? I am committed to those I love, my career, and to my own physical, emotional and spiritual health, but how can I balance it all, and enjoy some kind of life for myself, without feeling guilty?

A: Yours is a sad and complicated situation, and affecting many families today. Thousands live in the cruel and complex tangle of long-term illness, and it can get pretty dark in there. After a lifetime of being "parented," to greater and lesser degrees, loving and caring for aging parents is both an honor, and an unfamiliar responsibility as needs shift, creating opportunities for us to meet their needs as they did for us, to support and accompany them on this leg of their journey. Of course the challenge is to do this in ways that: a) demonstrate respect, and compassion for their own frustration at this time in their lives, b) afford them as much independence as possibe in every way possible, for as long as possible, c) meet their physical and emotional and safety needs, d) maintain one's balance, relationships, wellness and as much normalcy as possible. As I have said before here, follow the airlines' advice: "Secure your own oxygen mask before attempting to assist others."

10 TIPS FOR LONG-TERM CARE

1) Let your friends know you need them now -- and will be needing them. They care and would like to help, but they may not know what you need. Call a friend TODAY and make a date to go to an upbeat movie and out for a bite so you can talk. If time is too short, schedule a 'phone date' to talk things over. Take yourself to a museum, a walk in the park. Buy a juicy novel, or go to the library and browse.