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Monday March 22,2010

Grief and the Adolescent

by Linda Cunningham

Teenagers and Bereavement

Unfortunately, the needs of the bereaved teenager have been sorely overlooked for decades. In many grief recovery programs, support is often available for younger children and adults, but there is a definite void in teen services. I have seen this void throughout our country. Teenagers often give us mixed messages. They tell us that they need and expect our help in providing them with food and a nurturing environment but also tell us, on the other hand, that they can run their lives on their own. Because people do not always know how to respond to teens, they frequently back off, resulting in a teen that is left to grieve alone or with very limited support.

What Makes Adolescent Grief Different from That Experienced by an Adult?

Adolescence is perhaps one of the most difficult and confusing stages in life. It is a time of change and with every change, comes a grieving process. As an example:

• The teenager who has a brother or sister move out of the house to get married or go to school will have to adjust to life in the home without their sibling. Meals and family events will not be spent together with the frequency of the past.

• Divorce in a family will also bring about a grieving process as one parent leaves the home.

• Children who have been abused or sexually molested will experience the loss of innocence and control of their bodies - a very painful grieving process.

• The dating process, a very natural process in adolescence, also involves grief as relationships build and then dissolve as they discover who they are and what they want in life.

• Death of a pet. A pet is one of the few sources of unconditional love that life affords us. We can tell a pet our secrets, and in most cases, the pet is always glad to see us. Losing a pet can bring about profound grief in many children and adults alike.

• Abortion: Whether we are in agreement or disagreement with the issues of abortion, when it occurs, there is a very real loss that is experienced both by the mother and father. This loss frequently comes back to the surface as other pregnancies occur later on in life.

These are only a few of the grief issues that a teen may experience as a natural part of growing up. Add to these experiences the death of a loved one and you are likely to find a child who is terribly confused and in great pain.

Experiences of the Bereaved Teenager.

Because grief can be very complex and unique to every individual, we will address the more frequent reactions of teenagers who are grieving.

Shock/Disbelief

Knowing, intellectually, that someone has died does not always mean that the death seems real, especially in the early days and weeks of bereavement. Many teens experience what I call "automatic pilot": they function as usual but with a feeling that "this really didn't happen."