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Friday July 30,2010

Good Grief

by Jon Crane

About a year ago, I observed in these pages, following the death of my fiance Lana, that after five months and four articles on grief, I had no telling insights into the process of grief. I still don't.

It's been 15 months since Lana died. I've been through the stages of grief so many times, I've lost count. I still go into denial on occasion. I still believe (or want to) that she's going to walk through the door or call on the phone. But those moments don't last very long anymore. I accepted long ago that she's gone; she's with God. I take great comfort in the fact that God has given her the greatest gifts He possesses for any of us. But I still have moments where I get a little ticked with Him for giving them to her so early in her earthly life.

One of the hardest and longest battles I've fought is with guilt. I realize it's a normal part of the process of grieving, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Often after a loss, we think "would'a, should'a, could'a." If only I'd have done more of this or less of that. If only I would have been at the hospital when she died (suddenly, as a result of a blood clot following surgery). "Would'a, should'a, could'a." Put those words in one hand and a dime and nickel in the other and you have 15 cents.

Guilt doesn't end with should'a, could'a, etc. There was a point in the months following Lana's death where it occurred to me that several hours had passed and I hadn't thought of her, being busy with this or that at work. Immediately, I felt I betrayed her, betrayed her memory. Shouldn't I be mourning her every moment? Didn't I read somewhere that the pain we experience during the grieving process (emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical) is a tribute to the love we have for that person? If I didn't grieve her every moment; if I began having "normal" moments interacting with other people, wasn't I denying my love for Lana?