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Sunday May 11,2008

The Other Side of the Door

by Lili Kehler

It looked like an ordinary, wooden door, unique only in the fact that it had no knob. As I saw him walking toward it, my hands turned clammy with fear. He must have seen the shadow across the door, but carried on, undaunted. Looking back over his shoulder, he tossed me a small, wistful smile. It was hauntingly familiar, that smile, and strongly reminded me of another time and another door. . .

It was his first day of school, and he had been childishly insistent that I stay outside the classroom door. I tried to argue, but he was firm: "Go back, mommy," he said, "you can't come with me. I'm a big boy now, and I'm going to be just fine." He was only five, but so fiercely independent. Much too young to leave me, of course, but I had to let him go. As I stole a last, brief hug, he smiled at me; a brave, wistful smile that tugged at my heartstring. A moment later, the door swung shut behind him. Against my better judgment, I groped for the doorknob. There was none. It must be on the other side. To discourage over-protective mothers from following, I thought wryly to myself. Standing hesitantly before the door, my eyes were suddenly drawn to the tiny, rectangular window near the top. How could I have missed it? Cupping my eye with a trembling hand, I peered in.

It was a delightful room. Large, colorful, animal and bird posters lined the walls. The desks were shiny, blonde pine, and blue nap mats were scattered across the floor. In a far corner of the room, open cupboards were laden with blocks and toys. Along another wall, sturdy oak shelves groaned beneath their burden of brightly colored children's books. My heart lightened. I knew my child could be happy in that room. To reassure myself, I shifted my eye a fraction of an inch to expand my vision. There he was, his little hand firmly clasped in his teacher's hand. She steered him toward a group of noisy, laughing children, and as I caught a glimpse of his eager, animated face, I knew he was going to be fine; just as he had said. In time, he would undoubtedly welcome me to his classroom, eager to show off his new friends and share his newfound wisdom and knowledge. In good time. I could wait. . . now that I knew he was happy!

And now, another door without a knob. Far more terrifying! The wistful smile lingered in the air as he walked through the door and out of sight. It swung shut behind him with a final, dull thud. He was only twenty-one; much too young to leave me, of course. I lunged at the door, but it wouldn't budge.